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Story A Dark Rage

Discussion in 'WildStar Fan Creations' started by Inukeu, Jul 4, 2013.

  1. Inukeu

    Inukeu Well-Known Cupcake

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    (C) A Dark Rage

    Cylar Darkstar sat away from the rest of the crew in the dim light of the mess hall the lights occasionally flickering from the efforts to conserve power. Staring down at the slop the humans here called food he tried to make it more palatable by sprinkling some flower petals from the Oxygen Gardens that were maintained by the other Aurin on board. But that did little to raise his mood which as always was low. The only company he liked to keep was his commander a large female Granok by the name of Mable and a special delicate little Arborian orchid quite possibly the last of its kind since the fall of Arboria. It was a beautiful flower purple and blue hazy petals delicately crowned silver tips with a scent said to be both sweet and soothing.

    Cylar cared for it as if it was his own child carrying it with him always he could often be seen talking and watching it as if it were a small babe, sealed away in a small protective shield the atmosphere carefully regulated containing a fading hint of air from Arboria itself it was the only thing he managed to save on that day

    much of the crew was fine with this and tended to leave him be as Cylar had somewhat of a reputation of being a bit strange for a Aurin you see Cylar was gifted even for a Esper and as a old soldier on Arboria he was on the front line when the Reapers came the scars he wore on his skin hid deeper ones buried beneath but today those scars would come to the surface

    A human began to approach Cylars table, 6 foot tall, smoking a cigar, a furrowed brow and the swagger of a spellslinger stopping at the table and placing one boot on Cylar's chair he stared down at the small frame of the Aurin.

    Cylar could feel the animosity radiating from him before he even spoke not that it wasn’t hard to see “What do you want Human?” the spellslinger stood chewing on the tip of his cigar before blowing smoke in Cylar's face “I don’t like you” the spellslinger said “you seem to think your some kind of bad-ass, I wanna see why people are so scared of a little ball of fluff like you” Mabel choked on her beer and began to laugh “oh this'll be fun” picking up her beers she sat on the next table over waiting for a show to start, the spellslinger raising his brow at the Granok before returning his attention to the Aurin.

    Cylar sat quiet trying not to choke on the cigar smoke, the smell of ash stirring memories he would rather not recall the spellslinger waved his arms flippantly gesturing towards the flower on the table “that thing yours?”
    Cylar immediately grabbed for his Orchid and held it close to his chest staring at the human fiercely

    “ooh scary” the spellslinger laughed and began to walk away before making a sharp turn back as if to sprint

    The spellslinger suddenly vanished appearing a half second later onto the table flashing a cocky grin grabbing the thing Cylar held most precious and quickly teleporting back to his original position only to be met with a a large spinning, blue, circular saw hovering in front of his face

    “whoa impressive” the spellslinger quipped

    “you put her down she's only a child!” Cylar growled jumping out of his chair the hair on his neck standing on end

    “hah!... “a child”...“her” its a bloody weed!“ The spellslinger snapped


    A foul smile crept across the Humans face he knew how to push the little Aurins buttons it was taboo but it would definitely make the little fella wanna scrap he pulled out the lighter he used to fire up his cigars and held the flame in front of the Orchid the weak shield flickering against the heat

    Cylar froze his face pale his breath shallow and slow the smoke from the cigar filling the air began to burn his eyes the smell of ash choking him his gaze fixed on the flames dancing in front of his precious child

    “you humans are all the same... its your fault Arboria burned!, you people lead the Dominion to my world it would have been better if you all just died!”Cylar howled insanely

    The large spinning blade began to grow losing its shape, rotating violently the force vibrating the air around it and began to gain hints of black within its image

    The spellslinger had crossed a line nobody should cross he had no idea how much trouble he was in his grin was gone replaced by a sudden sense of tense fear he got what he wanted he just didn’t know how to deal with it

    Mable stood up this wasn’t just some brawl to sit back and laugh at anymore things had escalated quickly this had become personal and Cylar had snapped! she had seen the black psyblades once before while on a mission what was coming next wouldn’t be pretty she had to put a end to this and quick Mable rushed the spellslinger clumsily snatching the Orchid from him and knocking him across the room with her massive frame his body landing in a slump against the wall

    Cylar only growled in response he was lost in the past his eyes wild, psychic energy crackling the air Mable was tough but even she knew she wouldn’t emerge unscathed from a hit when Cylar was in this state

    Mable held out the Orchid like a shield
    “Cylar calm down!, you throw that thing at me now and you will be the one to kill the last good piece of Arboria you have!”

    Cylar grinned a dark toothy grin “you think I'll miss a big target like you” the dark spinning blade so large now it had started to cut into the ceiling of the mess hall stopped in a instant and shattered into a dozen smaller shards, the shards began to take the form of ragged swords, daggers and other implements of pain

    this is the moment Mable had been waiting for tackling the small Aurin to the ground almost crushing the life out of him before his attack could fully form she held the Orchid to his face and released the shield protecting the atmosphere the scent of the Arborian Orchid filled the room like a explosion the thick, sweet, soothing scent smothering all others

    Cylar was transported back to the days of running through the forests of his home town with his friends and family hoping over rustling brook's and streams, crossing fragrant fields of wild flowers a cool refreshing breeze blowing through his mane. with the fires of that day far away and the Orchid back in his arms Cylar's rage subsided replaced by the memories of what he had rather then what was taken from him.

    “I'm sorry” he whispered to his commander a tear running down his face Mable replied “we all are”
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  2. Extatica

    Extatica Super Cupcake

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    Don't you ever go in hiding again! Keep out, and keep posting ;)

    I like it...i wish i was as good in english to write my story in English aswell :p

    But seriously, when it that other story done? :D
  3. Inukeu

    Inukeu Well-Known Cupcake

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    wheeee! :laugh: thank you im glad somone liked it

    Edit* Since this is my first story I would like to open it up to criticism feel free to give advice etc how I can improve if I decide to do another thanks
  4. Apostate

    Apostate Well-Known Cupcake

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    Looking at this from a technical angle, you have a lot of work ahead of you. Grammar, punctuation, general sentence structure... these could all do with some improvement. That's just technical <REDACTED>, though. If you were an actor, this would be the part where the director says, "Don't worry about, kid. We'll get it in editing."

    My point being that there's a lot of rough edges to be smoothed out, but there's also a lot of genuine potential. You seem to have a very clear vision and feeling for the story you want to tell, which is more rare than you might think, and a good flow to the narrative. I say this not as some random internet dick but as someone who's observed a number of hopeful writers over the years. Ever see any of the Rocky movies? You're like Rocky Balboa here: your technique needs refinement but you've clearly got a lot of heart. It's a lot easier to learn technique when you've already got heart than it is to master technique and find heart afterward, if that makes any sense. Almost anyone can train technique... I've yet to meet anyone that can train passion.

    If you want, I can go over specific examples of what I'm talking about. Emphasis on the "if you want" part, though. I'm going to the trouble of saying it all like this, in a way that admittedly could be considered negative, so that when I drop the all-too-common, "I think you have real potential!" line, you know I'm saying that sincerely rather than as an empty courtesy.

    If you do decide to write more, I'd enjoy reading it.
  5. Extatica

    Extatica Super Cupcake

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    And this is the reason why i', never gonna make my story in English (even though i want it to) :D
  6. Apostate

    Apostate Well-Known Cupcake

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    The emoticon suggests that this is a light-hearted post, but I do want to address this because I don't want to give the wrong impression. When I said that it's all just technical <REDACTED>, I mean that. It's not the number one thing a writer has to worry about. That's what spellcheckers are for, that's what proofreaders are for, that's what editors are for. The one thing that's really key for a writer is the ability to encapsulate an experience. Whether it's a powerful emotional experience, an expansive historical perspective, expertise in a given field... whatever. If you can "click" with your readers, that's what matters. If you can grab and hold an audience, you have something to work with. Revisions can be made, translations can be made, everything -but- that is negotiable.

    I've ripped manuscripts apart (figuratively speaking)that were written with much more fastidious composition than the OP's.
  7. Inukeu

    Inukeu Well-Known Cupcake

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    First I would like to say thank you for taking the time to read and give feedback it is much appreciated ;)

    I know its somthing im gunna need to work on if I decide to write another story and I did try to work on my sentence struture etc believe it or not with this even reading it back to myself like 5 times over lol

    but after working on it for two or three days and then fiddling with it I felt I just needed to get it out before I messed with it too much and ruined it complety since I had so many diffferent variations to the events in the story and little details I could of added rolling about in my head
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  8. popober

    popober Cupcake-About-Town

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    I can't agree with this enough. You can have perfect grammar and structure, but if you can't pull a nerve or make your reader want to do something, you fail. Even better if you make your audience want to kill you because you offed their favorite character, it means they were able to form a connection. What's important is the narrative. The whole point of a story is, well, to tell a story. You're not writing to teach a lesson, except probably moral and philosopical ones.

    My actual comments on story though... Well, forget those for now, I just wanted to stress the above point. More seeds planted.
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