Inspired by Fenwick's idea that some day Basil (my planned main character) and Riya (Ender's planned main character) should open up a coffee shop that lures Dominion in now and then for "experiments," I present to you: A Cup-A-gent Sung to the tune of "A Little Priest" from Sweeny Todd MS. RIYA TRILLSPRING: That's all very well, but what we gonna do about him? *gestures upstairs* PROFESSOR BASIL EVERETT: Later on when dark, remove used corpse to some secret Eldan burial ground. RIYA: Oh yeah. Of course we could do that, sugar. I don't 'spose he's got any relatives gonna come pokin' 'round lookin' for him. (Riya gets an idea) Seems a downright shame... BASIL: Shame? RIYA: Seems an awful waste... Such a juicy frame Wot's 'is name has... Had... Has Nor it can't be traced... Bus'ness needs a lift, Debts to be erased... Think of it as thrift, As a gift, If you get my drift Seems an awful waste... I mean, with the price of beans What it is, When you get it, If you get it... BASIL: Ah! RIYA: Good, you got it! Take, for instance, Mr. Sedgewick and his bistro! Bus'ness never better using just pumera packs and toast! Now pumera’s good for maybe six or seven at the most! And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste! (Simultaneously) BASIL: Oh Miss Trillspring, what a charming notion RIYA: Well, it does seem a waste... BASIL: Eminently practical And yet appropriate as always! RIYA: Think about it... BASIL: Oh Miss Trillspring, how One’s lived Without you all these years, Just never know! How delectable! Also undetectable! RIYA: Lots of other gentlemen'll Soon be comin' for a pot, Won't they? Think of All them Cups! BASIL: How choice! How Rare! For what's the sound in Nexus out there? RIYA: What, Rocket, dear? What, Rocket, dear? What is that sound? BASIL: Those slurping noises pervading the air! RIYA: Yes, Rocket, dear! Yes, Rocket, dear! Yes, all around! BASIL: It’s DUMB-minion drinking up, my dear! BOTH: And/Then who are we to deny it in here? BASIL: (spoken) These are desperate times for us Exiles, Miss Trillspring, and desperate measures are called for! RIYA: Here we are, now! Fresh out of the pot! BASIL: What is that? RIYA:: A-gent. Have a Cup, a-gent. BASIL: Is it really smooth? RIYA: Sir, it's so smooth, it went: “Hello Lady, would you like coffee for two?” And it sees things through BASIL: Awful lot of sweet. RIYA: And fast on its feet. BASIL: Haven't you got soldier, or something more street? RIYA: No, y'see, the trouble with soldier, Once drunk, it's like Folgers, and spent! Try, a-gent! Explorer's rather bold. BASIL: Already been sold. RIYA: Prob’ly best, Explorer will find you Lost with-out a map if it’s cold BASIL: Now I’m feeling torn. RIYA: Well, then, if you're Cassian and loyal, You might enjoy Royal Highborn! Latte is reborn! Might be quite expensive but no one will mourn! BASIL: Is that Chua, with kahlua? RIYA: Mercy no, sir, get crackin’, You'll notice it's Draken! BASIL: Looks thicker, Chua liquor? RIYA: No, it’s Draken! It blows it’s -- (whispers playfully) Own horn! (they laugh) BASIL: The science of this new world, my love -- RIYA: Save a lot of graves, Do a lot of I.C.I. favors! BASIL: Is those below serving those up above! RIYA: Ev'rybody drinks, So there should be plenty of flavors! BASIL: How gratifying for once to dream BOTH: That all Dominion go down well with cream RIYA: Lovely noble roast. BASIL:: Maybe with some toast. RIYA:: Heat up all the tanks Warriors in ranks And you want the most! Try this whole platoon, Amaretto, swoon! BASIL:: That seems like a lot. RIYA:: Well, it’s hot, Off the pot Sip soon. Flavor rich and bold. Marching to be sold. BASIL:: Got Dominion Settler? RIYA:: Next week, so I'm told! Settler isn't bad till you taste it and Notice in haste it wants rent... Drink, a-gent! (spoken) Now then, this might be a little bit gritty, but then of course it's... trench digger! BASIL:: No, this isn't trench digger -- it's Redgrave Flavor! RIYA:: How can you tell? BASIL:: It's too thick and disagrees with me! (Both laugh) BASIL:: The history of Nex-us, my sweet -- RIYA:: Oh yes, oh Rocket, Oh yes, oh Rocket, What does it tell? BASIL:: Is who gets roasted, and who gets to toast! RIYA:: And, my Professor, Too, my Professor, Who gets to sell! BASIL:: But fortunately, we all can see BOTH: That coffee clearly is better than tea! BASIL: What is that? RIYA: Born-low. This one is to go. Sadly he did not have the bloodline But makes a fine cap-puc-cin-o And The rarest breed -- Here's a Luminai, it’s so bitter It sparkles and glitters, Take heed! BASIL: Sipped before we feed. Well of course we know that it’s chosen to lead! RIYA: Try the Cassian, Spiced with passion! BASIL: The Mechari was waiting He’s now percolating RIYA: Or Professor, Never lessor! BASIL: No, for SCIENCE has already won! (shouted) The samples we burn through willl make quite a fresh brew! (singing) We've cornered the market on Nexus, Aurin! RIYA: Yes, yes, I know, Rock-et! BASIL: We’ll serve the cream of the great Do-min-ion. RIYA: High-born and low, Rock-et! BASIL: We'll not discriminate great from small! No, we'll pour anyone, Meaning anyone (RIYA: sings "we'll pour anyone") BOTH: And to anyone AT AAAAAAAAAAAALL!